sitting. waiting. wishing.

listening to Adele and feeling good.

The family is watching the hockey game. I am in the kitchen, listening to music.

Maybe i need to do something... maybe not. I feel different. Dont know how or why, but in some way different. It doesnt have to be a bad different... i am different. Different is good. i think... im not really sure anymore. Not really sure about much nowadays. Im just... just... (?)... nothing? everything? I am not sure anymore.
When i get the question; "how are you?" i answer; "im good! you?...", even though im not. Its just something you do! or i do. it has become a reflex - to respond with a positive answer, since it is the more pleasant alternative to get!
I believe i am lost in what i am doing at the moment. Most things feels medium, regular, and/or blah. Im floating in this story called "life". I want to walk, with firm steps! But, instead i float.

i need

• a haircut
• new shoes
• new make-up
• better nails
• a longer body to fit in longer clothes
• another job
• more money
• to work out more
• get to bed earlier than 3 am

i also need to take care of this stuff, but instead i float.

you told me i could relax my legs a bit if i wanted to
i relaxed them on you
you smiled and stroked them gently
i wanted to skip the fuzz
i wanted to jump into a relationship right away
you did not
you made me fight
you made yourself out of my league
i fought a long time
do you remember this?
i have thought about that day everyday ever since that day
october 17.
i got frustrated
november 14.
i was sick of fighting
and finally - december 14.
Those are the dates printed in the back of my head.
A tattoo to remind me of happiness at its best times
I love thinking about those days, expecially october 17
the only problem is i hurt everytime i do
i am not sure why
is it happiness?
does happiness hurt?
i remember the kitchen
you let me relax my legs on you
you made my night
you made my last seven months
i love you
i love thinking about how much i love you
only problem is i hurt everytime i do
is that what true love means?
does love hurt?
i could stay in bed crying over you all day because i really have no idea how i got you to love me
is this Gods way of tricking me, again, to make me hurt some more?
or just to make me realize what i've really got, to realize what i've got to lose if i blow this
I asure you i am not taking him for granted
i think about how my life would look like if i didnt have him by my side everyday.
i think about it everyday
i do not take him for granted


i would have fought for you for years if i had to - i dont ever want to give you up